If you believe the research, there’s apparently a very simple trick to get more right-swipes on dating apps – all you need is a hound and a camera.
But in my experience, a puppy is not always the ultimate thirst-trap – it can sometimes be a massive hindrance to your love life.
According to a recent survey by Tinder, 59 per cent of Aussies admit to dating someone because they have a dog. Yep, and 45 per cent of swipers are more likely to swipe right on someone’s picture if they have a dog on their social media and dating app profiles.
Now that’s all fine and well, but what if your dog is the devil. I’m not joking. I’ll set the scene for you … it’s the day of my 30th birthday and it’s safe to say I’m having a meltdown. Yes, I had listened to society’s standards and decided that 30 was OLD! How the heck did I get to this age without a partner, kids or any form of responsibility?
(Upon reflection it’s probably because I have a deep-seated fear of commitment, no maternal instincts for a child, and enjoy a rather hedonistic life, but 30-year old Jana hadn’t got the memo yet.)
So there I was, anxiously scanning pound websites looking for a pooch that would fill the void of turning 30 all on my lonesome. I came across the tiniest, floofiest fluff ball I’ve ever seen, and thought, “Right, he’ll do the trick!”
I raced to the pound and as soon as I took the tiny Pomchi (Pomeranian/chihuahua) into my hands I knew I couldn’t give him back. I then raced to the pet store and bought all the gizmos and gadgets you can get for a dog and spent the next 24 hours obsessing over him.
It wasn’t until about a week later that I had an actual “Oh god, what have I done” moment. You see, having a dog as a singleton is a LOT of responsibility. No longer could I choof off for a weekend with the girls without having to organise someone to look after him. I couldn’t simply go from work to drinks without racing home to feed him, and the barking. Oh dear god the barking.
In all the regrets I’ve had over a lifetime, one that stacks up pretty high is not doing my research before purchasing a puppy. You see, it turns out that BOTH Pomeranians and Chihuahua’s are the yappiest dogs of all time and they’re fiercely protective.
It’s now been seven years since I first purchased Ziggy, and while I am madly in love with him and could never, ever give him up. I have to admit that he has been the biggest … how do I say this … well … “c**k blocker” for my love life.
Despite all the training, YouTube tutorials and stern words in the world, he cannot, and will not allow a man near me in his presence.
Should I bring a bloke back to my apartment after a date, he will LITERALLY bark and growl the house down. He’s even been known to wake up in the middle of the night, realise that a guy is sleeping in his spot and take a bite out of his leg, or arm, or whatever is within nipping range.
It’s gotten so bad, that now if I know I’m having a rudie, nudie slumber party, I’ll ship Ziggy off to the farm for the weekend.
And you may remember the time I took him to the sexy vet’s for a check-up and it ended it a mortifying disaster that still makes me physically cringe.
So while I think it’s super cute that everyone wants to go on doggie dates these days, I will be reserving mine until the poor bloke is madly in love with me, and has no choice but to accept my psycho hound before we go for a cute lap around the park, devil dog in tow.
Oh, and for those of you swinging by the pound after reading this, you may want to get yourselves a Golden Retriever, Husky or Labrador for that cute selfie you’re about to take, as according to the Tinder survey, they are the most desirable furry four-legged friend for a potential match to have in tow. Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, maybe give it a nice loving home to live in. Think of the good karma and furry snuggles! Hey, it’s not all bad.